somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize