That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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