Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
