i wish starbucks made bloody marys
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
