i jhust puked up my retainher.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I know her cup size but not her name....
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
