I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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