I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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