Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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