Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
