so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
