Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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