I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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