Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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