On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
