I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize