Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
