its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
