I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
