Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Randomize
