After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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