I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
