The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize