i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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