Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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