I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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