i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
