Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
