You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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