my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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