Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize