ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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