Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Randomize
