Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
