well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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