i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
