He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
