Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
