She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
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