Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
