Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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