My nipple is on Facebook.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize