I think I won the penis lottery.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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