Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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