Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
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