I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
