I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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