If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
