I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
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