When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
