I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
