I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
