OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
i need an iv and a liver transplant
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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