i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
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