Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
