either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
