Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
