I CAN MOONWALK!
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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